funniest offshore story

[gofshn]

alright guys, i need a little outdoor humor here, winter is really getting to me. who has the funniest offshore story, give me a good laugh.

[Squidnation]

Maybe not a funny incident but looking back I still shake my head.

We were waiting for the route 50 bridge in OC to open along with a dozen other boats. I was the mate on the vessel and we had the owner and his buddies along with a couple (NOT WIVES) girls on the boat. I don't mind telling that part now since the owner is dead. It wa a 34 ft single screw diesel. We were first in line. The water really rips through this bridge. So you are constantly manuevering while waiting. Well the bridge opens as the captain and I are up on the bridge. the owner is downtstairs handling the boat. 11 other vessels are patiently waiting while our owner seems like he is trying to take the boat through the birdge parallel as opposed to straight through. Mind you he and the rest of his party are sloshed. He looks up at us and tellls us that he has NO steering. The captain takes the wheel and realizes that we truly don't have any steering and are headed for the bridge crossed-wise. WE ARE GOING TO HIT THIS BRIDGE!!!!. Before any other action occurs the owner calls me off the bridge and TELLS me that when we get in, tell everyone the girls were my guests. MY GUESTS! I'm 21 yrs old - THEY'RE 50. You am I here, SHARKJP. Anyway we hit the bridge and tie up to it to call for help. The captain calls the coast guard station from the bridge and tells them that we need assistance. Remember now, the Coast Guard station is so close to us they can see us. now the questions start
What is the name of your vessel
Answer ))$&_*% - to protect those that are still living
Question - are you donning life jackets
Answer - yes
Question
Where are you?
Answer - We are on the south side of the Kelly Bridge - tied to a piling two west of the span
Question - What color is your vessl?
Answer - white
So far all these answers are being giving by the captain on the bridge. The owner is downstairs drinking a beer and I think was getting "serviced" by one of MY GUEST.
Question - Can you be more specific with your location? Can you give us your loran coordinates?
Answer - Before the captain had a chance to answer we heard the owner on the radio from downstairs, "LISTEN DIPSHIT LOOK OUT YOUR FUCKING WINDOW - WE ARE THE ONLY BOAT CRASHED UP AGAINST THE GODAMNED BRIDGE TODAY. NOW SEND ONE OF THEM LITTLE RED AND BOATS OVER HEAR AND PULLS OFF.
oooopppppss. I don't think he should have said that. after a series of more question and the captain gently urging the owner to allow him to take over the rest of the question answering - we were saved and towed to west OC and INSPECTED - I mean INSPECTED!!!!!!! - they went over everyone inch of that boat and sited us for as much as they could. One thing I learned from that was to be very cooperative with the Coasties - they can make your life hell if you have an attitude.

[Chilli]

I was fishing on a boat out of Stuart, Fl. We where over on the east side of the stream off of West End… There was a six folks on the boat. The skipper, the very well endowed topless female mate I have posted pictures of in the past, three rowdy bikers from Georgia and myself. Things weren’t exactly burning down that day… It had been a slow morning in choppy seas and bikers had drank an impressive amount of beer. All of which was taking effect on the moral…

We had entered a debri field lined up along a rip and the trash was stacked high. It wasn’t long till we had a mahi quad hooked up… Nice fish too boot. Our beer drinking compatriots did an admirable job with the angling and had the fish lined up like air traffic control… This definitely wasn’t their first rodeo. As the first fish neared the boat, I slapped open the door and slid the mahi onto the deck… Fish #2 was right there and waiting so I grabbed the leader and repeated the process… Fish #3 came in the boat the same way… There was a slight delay as #4 was fought into grabbing range… As I was reaching for the leader, a mighty cheer rose from the crowd… I deemed it a bit early to be celebrating going 4-4 as we didn’t have the fourth in the boat yet…

I glanced over my shoulder to see what the fuss was all about… There on the deck, sitting down was the female mate, quite topless and mostly bottomless. She had a mahi in one hand, her foot was shoved up in the gills of #2 pinning him to the transome and candidate #3 she had cradled in her quite impressive cleavage… As I watched she lowered her head, grasped the eye of the mustad that was lodged in the Mahi’s jaw with her teeth and with a flip of her brown hair she yanked the hook out… She then flipped open the fish box door with her free foot. Kicked in mahi #2, threw in Mahi #1 and she let Mahi #3, the cleavage fish slid off her chest between her legs and it deposited itself straight in the fish box…

Sitting there naked covered in mahi gore she look up with a grin spat the hook at the nearest biker and asked me if I would mind giving her another fish to play with….

I thought the bikers where going to die… They all looked as if they’d seen Mother Teresa kill a lion with her bare hands…

[Rhodekill]

Chilli we need video!

[SharkJP]

Originally Posted by Anthony's Ark

I'm 21 yrs old - THEY'RE 50. You am I here, SHARKJP.

how did i get brought into this?????

LOL, funny story bill

[Scotsman]

Chilli, id be happy just with pics

H.

[Double D]

Chilli

Once again, I'm in love. Time for more pics of my sweetie...

[O-SEA-D]

I got one for ya

Spring of 2005, it was a nice warm day. I took my buddy Bill and his brother fishing with me for for Tunies.

We are out around the Big Rock and its about 11:00 in the morning. Beautiful day out, calm, warm and we are in shorts and T-shirts.

We are trolling around and its been a pretty quiet day as far as catching fish. Bill says he has to take a dump. So, I give him the 5 gallon bucket and TP and tell him to go to the front of the boat. ( I have a head, but that is for women only)

Next thing I know me and his brother are sitting there talking on the leaning post...we turn around and Bill is taking a grumpy on the bucket in the back of the boat. We of course a couple of rods get hit and we are scrambling around this short fat dude sitting on a bucket taking a dump. Keep in mind this is a 26' CC boat, so there is not a lot of room to begin with. All the sudden he jumps up with is shorts around his ankles and grabs a rod and starts cranking a fish in.

So, he has no shirt on because its hot out, his shorts are down around his ankles and he is reeling away. Next he kicks his shorts off of his ankles because he is about to trip and fall. So he is standing there in a pair of boat shoes reeling in a fish. Standing in my boat butt ass naked with a crappy crack on top of it all.

Mean while, me and his brother are laughing so hard we are about to fall out of the boat. I will never ever ever forget that day.

Never again to be duplicated I hope.

Here is a picture of Bill Marlow. He is the one without the hat on.
He is a good friend of mine and a local here in MHC. Some of you might know him. He used to work at Sea Water Marina. If you see him, give him a hard time.

[Glenn W]

Uncle Bill, Uncle Bill!!
Tell me the bed time story one more time about the sharking trip, mucho La Cerveza, possibly a left handed cigarette, and the FAT UGLY BITCH for a date