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A Buffington Christmas Tail
Down in the Basshole Bayou Parrish is a small and mostly happy community. One six hundred acre tract though is looked after by a man many call just plain mean...
His humble employee, Bob Catshit, toils at the tasks set before him as he does seven days a week. The wind this day carries sound from down the road where he hears the creaky door of Brenda's Bar and Brothel slam. He turns to the velvet blacklight poster of Elvis and prays. "Oh crap, here comes that mean prick boss of mine. I hope he's not gonna beat me..."
The door to the tin shed work place opens. Bottle in one hand and BAR 30-06 in the other stands the boss. Ebeneezer Buffington. Most just call him the Buffinator.
"Good morning boss man..."
"Blow it out yer butt terd munch! Get to work!" He sorted through his stack of bills and collection notices then filed them in the pot bellied stove he uses to warm the tin shack. Picking up an old issue of Playboy with more dog ears than a Korean Buffet he read till he passed out.
Later that afternoon he woke. Bob was still hard at work. He barfed, wiped his chin with his sleeve and pounded down a warm Ozrk Ale he had in his desk drawer.
Bob looked at him timidly, "Boss, tomorrow is Christmas."
"Why would I give a hoot, Catshit? Blah Chumbag! Aw screw it. Make sure the still is stoked, the fields is plowed, the cat snares is set, and I guess you can take tomorrow afternoon off."
He didn't see Bob flip him the bird as he left and stumbled back to his fancy home. There it was. Doublewide glorious palace of aluminum and plywood. Fridge on one end of the porch and wash board with basin and tub on the other.
Inside he went to his bathroom. Brushed his one remaining good tooth and passed out again.
"Get up... come on... Get up... Now! Get up!!!"
Ebeneezer looked up from his sleep and focused.... " Steven Segal?"
"You were expecting Santa? No I just look like him. I'm the Christmas Spirit! Three ghosts are gonna visit you tonight. Be here, be ready and don't give them a bunch of lip." The vision disappeared and Buffinator passed back out.
The clock struck ten.... "Oooooooh Ooooooh Come on bro get up. we're gonna take a ride..."
Ebeneezer looked up. "Wahoonbox?"
"Nope just look like him. I'm the ghost of Christmas past. Lets go."
There before him was his old neighborhood. He could see the major award Leg shaped lamp in his front window. Flicks tongue still frozen to the flag pole. The he could see himsef as a youth on Santa's lap. "No I don't want a friggin football. And take the Red Ryder BB gun with the compass and thing in the stock that tells time out of play old man. I want a Browning BAR in '06 caliber.
"You'll shoot the cats eye out kid!" And Santa kicked him down the slide....
"Yo... Dude... Yo, Ebbie... Dude we gotta go."
Buffinator was back on his couch being woken up again. " Admin?"
"Nah just look like him. I'm the ghost of Christmas present. Lets take a hike..."
The walked down the dark dirt road passing two small wooden crosses marked Mimi and Timmy. They kept walking Up ahead they could see a tow truck with Jersey plates and a large driver hooking up a car for reposession.
"Thats Bob Catshits car..."
"Yo... Shut up and watch."
They could see Bob, his wife Katie Catshit, and their adopted asian crippled baby, Tiny Vim, all crying as the repoed car headed back to central Jersey. They followed the Catshit family inside the rusty Airstream they called home.
The table was neatly set. Roadkilled possom was at the top of the table where Bob could carve it along side it was a bowl of sawdust.
"Sawdust?"
"Yo... They can't afford stuffing."
The Catshits sat around the table... Katie spoke out, "Damn I thought Deep was Cheap but your boss make him look like Bill Gates..."
"Shush woman. Look at all the good things we's got. Tweren't fer him I'd have no job 't'all and we couldn't be stylin with the extree bowl of sawdust this year."
Ebeneezer was visibly shaken at his own cheapness, "I didn't know!"
"Yo... lets hope its not to late"
"C'mon! Get up. jou gotta get up mang! You want some of this action! Get up!"
"Jer?"
"Nope... Ghost of Christmas future"
They went out side to see the six hundred acre tract covered with cats and turkey carcasses as far as the eye could see. In the tin office he could see Bob Catshit reading that dog eared Playboy. On the porch behind them he could see Mrs. Cranston had moved in and had a cat breeding kittly mill working full swing. The sherrif was chattting to her. " Quite the pussy farm you got goin there Edna... Can't believe you got this whole spread at auction for 50 cents!"
"Thank ye Sherrif Buford... Nobody else wanted this dump at a penny more. Say that big stick of yourins is looking all fresh polished"
"Just Walkin Tall M'aam... Godd day..."
The two continued down the dirt road. The two crosses for Timmy and Mimi were still there but now joined by a third. Saying simply... "Tiny Vim"
"Why?"
"He starved to death..."
Then a fourth cross became visible hidden by vines and beer bottles. Ebeneezer could make out the letters and then stood in horror. " Here lise Ebeneezer Buffington... Cheap prick!"
"What happened!?!?!"
"Seems as though a fragment from a bullet fired a long time ago has riccocheted straight up. Took a while but gravity worked..."
The Buffinator sobbed uncontrollably.
He woke on his couch bathed in sweat and puke and looked to see it was a new day. Out side he could see Mrs Kranston walking by.
"Mrs. Kranston! What day is this?
"Christmas you dumb ass yellow toothed redneck retard!"
"Well bring your armless self over here. Heres some cash. Go buy as many rhubarb pies as you can and meet me at Bob Catshits!"
At the Catshits a tow truck with Jersey plates pulled in to repo the car. The large driver got out. Ebeneezer approached with a mason jar full of crumpled up money. "This should take care of it my good but chunky man..." Then he gave the driver a wet sloppy French Kiss...
He approached Tiny Vim. From behind his back he produced a kitten and handed it to the boy. Of course the boy fell down when he grabbed it cause he was crippled and needed his crutches to stand. Ebeneezer helped him up and dusted him off then handed him a jumbo bag of Frisklies. "This is for you and the kitty to share.." Of course the boy fell again reaching for it. They all laughed.
They went inside where Ebeneezer sat down a bottle of this mornings first run of shine. Bob I'm giving you a raise to $2 a day! They all cheered. "Merry Chrismas to all and to all a good night!"
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Originally Posted by Asylum
