today's joke

[neilinov]

A cop was patrolling at night at a local lovers lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on.. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir "

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And
her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover
sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at
night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your
age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[Dave Sikorski]

Classic!

-D

[neilinov]

A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down...

"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64 !! What the hell did you sell ?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

[neilinov]

What part of Popeye doesn't rust?

A: The bit he sticks in Olive Oil.

[Big Fish Billy]

A group of ladies were down the Bangor Bar and Grille talking about what they got for Valentine's Day. Gladys says candy, Berle says a necklace, Effey says roses. Molly says "I hate it when Earle gives me flowers, I have to spend the weekend on my back with my legs stretching towards the ceiling." Blanche says "what's the matter, don't you have a vase?"

[neilinov]

A party of young pleasure-seekers moor offshore of a beautiful deserted island. A young lady walks inland to explore. As she gets deeper into the wooded area she feels something watching her, and after a while she catches a glimpse of a young man in tattered clothing with long unkempt hair. After a moment of fear, she realises he is just as scared of her, and attempts to communicate with him. Its soon aparent he is a castaway, the sole survivor of a wreck many years before. He was but a child when marooned, yet somehow survived whilst all the others had perished. She explained to him he was now safe, and she could take him home. With tears in his eyes, he took her hand and they began to walk back toward the beach.
As they walked, she noticed his curious eyes upon her body, and with a smile of knowing she asked him if he had ever had the pleasure of a woman. He shook his head endearingly and explained that his only sexual experience was using a hole in a tree trunk. She felt so sorry for this poor, and come to think of it, extremely handsome young man that she lay down on the ground, took off her shorts and beckoned him toward her. He stared down at her in slight bewilderment, so realising he had no idea what to do she told him to imagine she was a tree trunk with a hole in it. His eyes lit up with immediate understanding, and giggling with youthful glee he picked up a large branch and wacked her right between the legs with it.
"Why the hell did you do that ?!" she cried.
"First I check for bees" he replied.

[Big Fish Billy]

Aza was walking in downtown Portland when he saw his friend Harland coming towards him wearing one shoe. "What happened Harland you loose a shoe" asks Aza? "No" says Aza, "found one...."

[neilinov]

Two guys out fishing on the ocean, one lands a fish.

Suddenly the fish speaks, "If you release me, you can have any wish you want."

The guy throws the fish back into the water and wishes the whole sea would change into the finest beer there is. By golly, this happens, the sea turns into beer.

Astonished, his mate replies, "you stupid ASS, now we have to pee in the boat" !

[FXRScotty]

The three most amazing things about women.


1 They can blead for five days and not die!





2 They can give milk without eating hay.





And my personal favorite.






3 They can bury a bone without getting their nose dirty! I'm just saying.

[neilinov]

Towards the end a day at the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . .POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She says angrily, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! . . she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SWING!!!