they say only a guy would do this

[TheChumStain]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a
>>guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
>>
>>
>>Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
>>interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
>>little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
>>100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
>>suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
>>assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
>>COOL!
>>
>>
>>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>>triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
>>disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
>>it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
>>electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
>>Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
>>face of her microwave.
>>
>>
>>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
>>
>>
>>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>>little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
>>needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
>>admit
>>I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
>>better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
>>thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
>>assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>>
>>
>>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
>>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
>>in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
>>disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
>>spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
>>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
>>water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>>
>>
>>All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
>>less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
>>two
>>itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
>>
>>
>>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
>>
>>
>>I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
>>side
>>as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
>>such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to
>>give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
>>prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF
>>MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
>>
>>
>>I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
>>in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
>>and
>>over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
>>with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
>>nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
>>position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
>>meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
>>thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>>
>>
>>Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
>>of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>>yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
>>your
>>hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
>>be considered conservative.
>>
>>
>>SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
>>sure,
>>as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
>>little
>>I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
>>were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My
>>triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
>>like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
>>I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for
>>their safe return.
>>
>>
>>Still in shock,

[cdail28590]

Now that is some funny chit right there. I was/am crying thinking about it.

[h2orowe]

Just what I needed today !!!!
THANKS

[reel-axation]

that has to be one of the funniest things i have ever heard !!!!!! I'm just about in tears from laughing so hard

[thejack]

Holy @#?%$*#$..... That was sweet!!! Can we get that on video please. I haven't laughed like that in years. I had tears rolling down my face, I could hardly finish reading it because I could see. What an ab workout. WOW Thank you for doing it!!!! In the Fire Department we call people like you JOB SECURITY!!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing! TODD

[Tunacatcher74]

Holy shit thats funny!!! I can't even imagine the pain, and i really dont wanto either

If you ever decide to do it again (or if anybody does it for that matter), make a video of it.

[Fish Tales]

Just what I needed today !!!!
THANKS

Hey casey let me try that on you next time we come down, Il'l even make a vid and put it on here

[h2orowe]

Catch me if you can
That should be what the loser (I mean you) has to do