Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes..."
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough(they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
10 ways to tell if a redneck has been using a computer:
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
. . . you use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer.
. . . you say "these are not the beers you are looking for."
. . . that "disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans.
. . . the inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
. . . you call your young apprentice, "Juner.(JR.)"
. . . you have ever used telekinesis to pull your jeans up.
. . . the Force isn't the only thing that runs in your family.
. . . you call Hank Williams Jr. "master".
. . . your landspeeder has a gun rack.
. . . you meditate to old CCR records.
. . . you call Yoda your Li'l green buddy.
. . . you have ever said, "Anger...Fear...Aggression...Yankees...the dark side are they."
. . . your X-Wing has a still in it.
. . . your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
. . . there is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid.
. . . your robes have the Golden Flour label on them.
. . . you trim your beard and find a Mylock.
. . . you have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.
. . . you use Jawas for a drink holders.
. . . you fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
. . . you use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
. . . you use your Jedi healing powers to clear up your V.D.
. . . you think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
. . . you ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
. . . your Jedi robe is camouflage colored.
. . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
. . . you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
. . . you can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
. . . you think Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
. . . you have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing / bowling.
. . . your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
. . . you have ever had your R2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light.
. . . you jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery.
. . . you beat the Gammorean Guard in an "ugly" contest.
. . . your father's name is Garth Vader.
. . . you got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.
. . . you have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin' at your sister.
. . . you constantly mistake R2 units for beer kegs.
. . . you count B.O. as a Jedi power.
. . . you have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer.
A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
The ******** is a type of flower. True or False
A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
**** is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False
Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
Douche is the French word for "twelve." True or False
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
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