I'm a word freak - can't help it! I love this stuff...!!
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A manís home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu Ė the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating Ė always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding Ė A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, itís an I for an I.
A bicycle canít stand on its own because it is two tired.
Whatís the definition of a will? (Itís a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you donít pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you canít budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia Ė the LAN down under.
Every calendarís days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted Ė It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once youíve seen one shopping center, youíve seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Santaís helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.
- Man who run in front of car get tired.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
- War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
- Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
- It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
- Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
- Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
- Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
- Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!
- Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
- Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
- He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
- Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
- Man who sit on tack get point!
- Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." --STEVEN WRIGHT [SIGPIC]t[/SIGPIC]
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
I dont get it. Nookie, maybe?
He who farts in chapel sits alone in pew.
Are all Mexican plumbers azztechs?
If the ocean is calm, is that the same thing as micro waves?
Last edited by Reel Fanatic; 09-02-2009 at 10:24 AM.
1. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too .
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my Electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal procedure?
His goal: to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,' I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain , they name him 'Juan'; the other went to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a
'super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.'
Some quotes from that late great American philosopher, Rodney Dangerfield......
You can always tell my car, it's always on a lift. I have the only car that has more miles on it vertically than horizontally.
I know my wife cheats on me. I bought a used car and found her dress in the back seat.
I decided to cut down on smoking, I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1999. I'm worried about my wife, she's up to three packs a day.
Kids these days get pregnant from eating chicken. It's finger-licking good and one thing leads to another.
Marry a woman who can cook. The sex will wear off but you'll always be hungry.
Last edited by fredhead; 09-03-2009 at 02:03 PM. Reason: spell fix
A dyslexic, agnostic, insomnia stays up all night wondering if there is a dog...