Only a man would attempt this!!!!

[LuckyLady]

I didn't title this one its how it came to me

Just try reading this without laughing 'til you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.


All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE .....!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid

[marine4003]

I knew what the end result was when i read "Tshirt & tank top"

Kinda like a Redneck's last words - " hey,ya'all watch this"

[Hallnass282]

or " here hold my beer a sec "

[La Gringa]

LOL great story..!!

[budddavid]

This seems like a timely and fitting story for this thread.

taken from thesmokinggun.com http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive...091stool1.html

Cops Bust Stool Fool
Ohio man arrested for drunk driving on a homemade vehicle
MARCH 31--In a law enforcement first, Ohio cops this month arrested a man for drunk driving on a motorized bar stool. That's right, a motorized bar stool, which can be seen below in a police evidence photo. According to cops, Kile Wygle, 28, crashed his bar stool near his Newark home earlier this month and called 911 due to his injuries. When an officer arrived and asked Wygle what happened, he answered, "I wrecked my bar stool." According to a Newark Police Division report, a copy of which you'll find here, Wygle's homemade ride is powered by a Briggs & Stratton lawnmower engine. Wygle noted that the bar stool could hit nearly 40 miles per hour, but that he was only going 20 when he wiped out late in the afternoon on March 4 (a witness told police that he spotted someone driving a "strange motorized machine" before the crash). A plastered Wygle, who failed a series of field sobriety tests, was charged with DUI and driving with a suspended license, both misdemeanors. His bar stool was not impounded.

[HammerHead0731]

Brings back memories when my brothers friend didn't think my brother's bb gun didn't have much power. So he goes and pumps it up 5 times and put his pointing finger at the end of the barrel....Well that sunk the bb about 1/2" up his finger.

So he didn't want to go home to tell his parents, so my father being the neighborhood doctor goes about pushing the bb up the finger to the hole and using a knife to pop it out. I can still remember the screeming.

[LuckyLady]

Brings back memories when my brothers friend didn't think my brother's bb gun didn't have much power. So he goes and pumps it up 5 times and put his pointing finger at the end of the barrel....Well that sunk the bb about 1/2" up his finger.

So he didn't want to go home to tell his parents, so my father being the neighborhood doctor goes about pushing the bb up the finger to the hole and using a knife to pop it out. I can still remember the screeming.

PRICELESS!

[clt_capt]

And there was my next door neighbor growing up that we were able to convince to pee on the electric fence in the nearby pasture...

[Robja]

And there was my next door neighbor growing up that we were able to convince to pee on the electric fence in the nearby pasture...

That happened to a friend of mine.