LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

[cathod]

Sometimes you have translate...
Words with double meanings.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.. Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.. Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing hockey without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male....... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.. An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female.. The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male....... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male....... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;
He said...... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said..... You wear pants don't you?

He said...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said..... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

[Karl Sr.]

Good Ones Cathod!

here's some more.....
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

[TheChumStain]

I have a long one I used when at work when the ER doc asks why we brought someone into their ER at 3am.

We were going door to door lookin for people who wanted to come to the ER and while doing so we saw this person out in left field during football season with a hockey stick tryin to play tennis.

[TheChumStain]

From a chief of mine in the past "Hey asshole you know after seeing that act I know your not smart enough to be a retard"

[snakeeyes]

REMEMBER, NO MATER HOW GREAT SHE LOOKS, SOMEBODY, SOMEWHERE, IS TIRED OF PUTTING UP WITH HER SHIT...

[cathod]

Ditto for the men!
I love my hubby.... but there are days when I just want to hurt him bad..... then I remember...he's got to drive the boat! Besides.... I think we women have the right to make men's life holy h*ll..... after all, we have to have the babies!

[Karl Sr.]

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

[cathod]

1. Birds of a feather flock together, and then they poop on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how
nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.


5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved...is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at a tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong,

you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble.

14. The mind is like a parachute;

it works much better when it's open.

15. The only difference between a rut and a grave..is the depth

[Karl Sr.]

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the
memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[Capt. Duane]

Its ashame that there are over 2 million battered women in America....and to think I've been eaten em plain my whole life