IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM SANTA CLAUS

[esangler]

IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM SANTA CLAUS

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the current, overwhelming population on Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of my new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies and am not required to lift packages weighing more than 28 pounds, 13 ounces, so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few differences between us.

1.There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, "These Toys Insured by Smith & Wesson."
2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Clause prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And, Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit-can handy.
3.Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4.You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5.The traditional, "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And, you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat!" and "Git er done!"
6.As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard, the sleigh also had other decorations on the back as well. One is the Ford logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7.The usual Christmas movie classics, such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8.Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you have the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9.And finally, lovely Christmas songs that have been sung about me, like "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Clause is Coming to Town". This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will include Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox", and Garth Brooks' "Grandma Got Run'd Over By a Coon Hound Wearing Antlers."

Merry Christmas y'all
Santa Claus (Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

[clt_capt]

Sounds like an upgrade...