had to break this to my employee this morning..

[sportfishingusa]

DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS YOUR NEW OFFICE



























EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2009

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage you r money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees atten d the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look hea lthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[bigfish4me]

Could be worse....like this


Dear Employee,

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all departments
in your area, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who will
represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older
personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be
placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of
their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This
review phase of the program will be called SCREW (Survey of
Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who ha ve been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal
with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy,
an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as
many times as the
company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled
to get: HERPES (Half Earning for Retirement Personnel ' s Early
Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who
has HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees
through our: Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT). We take
pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our
employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any
employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your
supervisor immediately. Your supervisor is specially trained to make
sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And once again, thanks for the countless years of service with us!

Have a great day!

Human Resources