Found the perfect Xmas Gift for " lowtide "

[Cardinal Joe]

Oh MY!! TOO FUNNY 4 WORDS


I'm picturing lowtide as I read on !!!!!!!! HA! ha!







Pocket Tazer
Stun Gun : a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and
I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse sized
Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were
supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO
COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however that if I pushed the button
and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd
get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (troubled little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing
out on flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie for fraction of a second and thought
better of it. She is a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong?

So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge
of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The
directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your ass flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less
that 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself
"no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond
description, but I'll do my best:
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "Don't do it dude" , reasoning
that a one second burst from such a tiny thing couldn't
hurt all that bad. I decided give myself a one second burst
just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and ....
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION....WHAT THE
HELL!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again! I vaguely recall waking up on my side
in a fetal position, with tear in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
my body flopping all over the living room...

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second
burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits the
little I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My whole right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control
over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too
numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a
faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my
hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!

P.S.. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loves the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being
stupid or a " SICKO " !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cardinal Joe

[Cardinal Joe]

lowtide

my cat Gracie looking on
intently (troubled little soul).!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid fu**in cat !!!!!!!!!!!! thought I would learn my lesson.

[LeeG]

LMFAO!!

Thanks!

[rugman]

i cant remember laughing that hard in a long time.next time take a video please