Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

[La Gringa]

December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.

It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.

What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell.

The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right.
I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling!

Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.

I think he’s lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again.
I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago?

She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a ***** who drives that snow plow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25

Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in.

The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow!

Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot.
If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in.

The ***** is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.

That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.

The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[Robja]

You just love torturing all those people up North. We don't have snow here but it was 15 when I got up. I had to cover my baby palm trees just in case. BTW has the artic air mass cooled ya'll down to 80

[sushi42]

La Gringa, I'm going to be smiling all day after reading that story. As long as I don't see any more snow today! We had some yesterday and it's three degrees outside roght now. The local news stated yesterday that if you leave your pets outside the police will give you a ticket. I have a SIBERIAN HUSKY FOR CRIPE SAKES. I am moving south, right after I set fire to my house!! By the way, what are those pills your talking about? Thanks for the good read!

[La Gringa]

Yea it was a little chilly last night.

Seriously though - I did a fair bit of time in the cold and snow and so forth. My driveway was too steep for a plow and I didn't have the bucks for the kind of snow blower with adequate traction to get up and down it. So... I manually shoveled that driveway for years to get out and drive my one hour to work (in GOOD conditions).

And I so relate to the plow guy leaving a three foot drift in front of my driveway!!! I was on a slight bend in the road and I would get three feet of rock and ice and snow while my neighbor across the street (who had a perfectly FLAT driveway) got like four inches...!!! At some point I realized tho that I could at least get the plow for hire guy to get rid of that three feet. It was at the bottom of my steep slope down from the garage though and I did just blast through it quite a few times in my Ford Expedition!

Finally had the money to get a snow blower with good tread... next winter we had no snow, winter after that Gringo had moved in and got to play with it.... then we moved.... Sold the snow blower associated snow removal equipment with the house... heh, heh, heh.... and the leaf blower... and the lawn mower.... wood burning stove.... i could go on...

I feel for you guys.... I really do....

[Big Fish Billy]

Please have a little mercy, another 5" coming tonight......

[misokat]

ha ha , just got paper outside- balmy 15 out (sucks) after reading this was hoping for a earthquake and a tsunami to wet your little island ! lol.....

[La Gringa]

ha ha , just got paper outside- balmy 15 out (sucks) after reading this was hoping for a earthquake and a tsunami to wet your little island ! lol.....

now, now, now.... we DID have two tropical storms and two hurricanes here in ONE WEEK in September...!!!

Fortunately, our weather hell came and went in that week....

[fishcanada]

LOL,
Thats a good one, I just came in from shoveling another 12" and read this.March can't come soon enough!!!!!!!!!!
But on a better note......It did warm up from-22C (-8F) to -8C (17F)