CHILLI COOK-OFF

[whitey]

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a

>chili cook-off in Texas .
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
>attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even

>better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this
>is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
>around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
>City Park .
>
> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,

>who was visiting from Springfield , IL
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
>judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
>moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking
for
>directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured
>by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that
>spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
>tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
>kick.
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this
>stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
>to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.
>
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno
>tang.
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to

>be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm
>not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
>people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
>more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill.
>My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
>by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back;
>now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
>from all of the beer.
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
>Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

>dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue,
>but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
>the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
>woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is
>chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
>freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
>tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
>my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people
>behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her
>that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
>bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
>burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me

>to stop screaming. Screw them.
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
>Good balance of spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
>onions, garlic. Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
>filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted,
>and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
>stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
>wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on

>canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
>threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
>that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as
he
>is cursing uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
>the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the

>world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
>chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
>match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
>I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting
>any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
>hole in my stomach.
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
>chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili.
>Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
>farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
>himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
>have reacted to really hot chili?
> Judge # 3 - No Report

[Proheat]

LMAO!!
Thats funny!!

[Nimrod]

Can't stop laughing!!
I am not sure why but that my friend was funny!

[paul708]

funny

[makokiller975]

[Murph]

Funniest damn thing I have read in a long time!

[shoefish]

I've got tears running down my face I'm laughing so hard... thanks for sharing!